Day One

I begin this blog without knowing where, if anywhere, it - and I - will end up. Blogging has worked for me with another subject as a focuspoint and a channel for my thoughts. It involves the discipline of being at a computer and logging onto a particular page. I'm trying to understand the difference between that and the discipline of keeping a hand-written diary. Maybe it's simply that I've grown more accustomed to typing than handwriting and I like to be able to copy, paste, move thoughts and add images etc. That having been said, most of this post was written in a notebook on a train platform this morning as I gathered my thoughts while waiting 12 mins for the next train.
I wasn't looking forward to reading Róisín Ingle's column in this weekend's Irish Times mag. I was afraid she might be going on about New Year's resolutions. She wrote about epiphanies and her friend who was hosting an Epiphany Party. And that brings me on to what may have been an epiphany for me (I think we can only be sure of these things with hindsight!) - I was listening to an interview with John Waters on, as it happens, the repeat of Róisín Ingle's saturday morning show on Newstalk. They were discussing his new book "A Lapsed Agnostic" and that's #1 on my to-do list this morning, to ring the bookshop near work and hopefully ask them to reserve a copy for me til I can go to collect it.
After John's chat about the role of praying or giving thanks and the importance of going down on your knees (if you find this difficult to do, the AA say, throw a shoe under the bed and by retrieving it, you will find yourself on your knees). I got up out of my warm bed and it was after midnight and I'm exhausted these days and I got down on my knees, I did a sign of the cross and scanned through the day, a practice I am used to from listening to Yoga meditation CD's before falling off to sleep - but instead of "integrating" the day and "finding moments of happiness", I simply gave thanks. And found I had much to be thankful for, as it happened.

And this morning when I woke, I formed the "child pose" in yoga. I find this position very uncomfortable. I'm not used to it. I breathed and tried to focus on something other than the discomfort. Felt nicely stretched after it. Thought it would be nice to have a special rug or something on the ground to do this on, like the Muslims I suppose. I think the physical position is important to align your mind to a specific task, like preparing for the day or preparing for day's end.
John Waters spoke of the importance of having a God in your life, to take the blame; it's not your doing. He told a story of watching over his baby daughter (another Róisín!) and feeling he had to keep her alive til morning, followed by the realisation that hey, he didn't even keep himself alive til morning. This idea - that it is not just down to us/ to the individual - is a weight off my shoulders! God isn't punishing or rewarding us (as I think I was taught in school as a Catholic) rather he is there. Something happened to me almost four years ago and I've been told it wasn't my fault, I wasn't responsible. I find it hard to believe that if we can control our lives, make decisions etc then how come I wasn't in charge of what happened me, I could have done things differently and had a different outcome. Which is rough! And so, the notion that there is another presence with me or choosing a way for me, is comforting. Watch this space. We'll see if last night turns out to be epiphanic. If that is a word.