I will never forget you

My granny (mam's mam) gave me this picture - if that's the right name for it - I think she gave it to me at first communion time. She was a very Catholic woman, she went to mass every day. She had great faith and no doubt was shocked by her grand-daughter's inability to say the Angelus or the Rosary or even the Lord's Prayer (though I did know it in Irish and remember teaching it to myself in English as I lay in the spare bed next to her one night).
I always think of Mamó Má Nuad at Easter time especially. She always provided us with yellow paper napkins for the dinner table!
I miss her, and would love to have her around now to talk to her about my doubts and my efforts at all this finding God business. She very much tried to help me in this way and, perhaps as a last ditch attempt, would remind me that I always had a guardian angel with me - they would mind me and look out for me and I could ask them to help me. I think she told me to name my guardian angel because I remember trying out different names but don't recall if I decided on one.
My granny was an extremely intelligent woman but I wonder now if she explored other faiths. I don't think she blindly followed Catholicism, I am sure she questioned it and yet it must have provided her with the answers she required.
I don't really like displaying pictures and objects - the little thing shown here hangs in my room in my parents house, I haven't brought it with me. I don't have pictures of friends or family adorning my walls. I think this can be showmanship and that it's more important to hold these things in one's heart and not display them to others where they could be misunderstood. And so I think I've decided not to post a picture of Mamó here.

Different Views

I'm in my parents house for Easter, it's almost better than a library. As I'm on this mini quest I've been scouring the bookshelves for holy books. I avoided taking a look at the bible this time around.
Véarsaí Roghnaithe as an Quran Beannaithe (Chosen verses from the Holy Quran)
My first reading of the Quran or understanding of the way it is The Book and that it should be read by all. I like the lack of emphasis placed on Jesus, Mohammed and other prophets - the focus is on Allah. I think I'll be doing more reading of the Quran, in Irish or English - my Arabic wouldn't be up to it.
We had a dinner-table discussion about religions based on books, and whether some anthropologists are right in concluding that religions were founded as societys answer to "what to do with dead people".
Dánta Dé (Poems for God)
This is a beautiful book that a neighbour passed on to us. Published in 1928. The poems or prayers are set to music. They are laid out thematically eg. Morning and Evening, Easter, The Feast of St. Brigid and so on. I lool forward to taking out my violin and tackling the melodies. The Irish is written in the old script so it's a little tricky and even the wording is a little beyond me but it struck me that morning prayer could be more pleasant (for me) if it were sung.
The Holy Ghost Hymnal
My Aunt's name is on this little book, it seems to have been a schoolbook. The hymns are in Irish, English and Latin with the music provided.
Zen Seeing, Zen Drawing
The subtitle for this book is "Meditation in Action". I recently bought myself a new diary, the one I've been using for the past few years is finally full. I stood at the shelf in the stationery shop debating with myself why I used to choose diaries and notebooks with a spiral spine, it was beacuse I used to sketch and found it more comfortable to be able to fold over the pages, but I concluded that I haven't sketched in a long time and so there was no need for the spiral binding and I bought a more typical diary. And now, upon discovering this book and reading how drawing things really help to see them, and remembering how much I enjoyed sketching - I'm regretting my choice of new diary...! I haven't read much of this book yet but the core idea is undebatable.

Aoine an Chéasta

Good Friday - I went with my uncle and Godfather to Bolton Abbey for the 3pm services. I was expecting singing monks, though I'd been there before a few years ago and should have remembered there was no singing in Latin.
I couldn't get my head around the Christ thing. I'm very taken with the idea of God and am certainly trying to "find" Him and make room for a spiritual or religious or greater force in my life and lifestyle. But the adoration of a man was too much. It is claimed he is the son of God, an ordinary person living an ordinary life, sent on earth to redeem all humans. I couldn't take it in. I didn't like the idea even though I've been raised with it.
The sermon spoke of forgiveness which, my uncle had earlier claimed when we spoke in the car, is, in his mind, a central idea of Christianity.

What do I want?

It struck me last night in bed that it might have been helpful to have been praying and talking to God recently, it might have helped me with something I've been through. I've come out at the other end thinking: And now I just have to figure out what I want again - I hate that. I had been hoping that someone else would make a decision for me. Of course I wouldn't go along with it unless I was happy too but at least I wouldn't have to figure out what I wanted - it seems selfish to me to be doing that. BUT if you turn the idea on it's head and say it's God... that you are living your life according to His will then that gives you the avenue to be checking in with yourself and following the path which feels most comfortable to you, without the connotations of feeling selfish.