Prayer and praying

I have made a meditation corner in my bedroom. I have long had an ambition to have a tokonoma. One way I thought I might achieve this was to have a high bed in my room and have the tokonoma underneath. Recently, an opportunity came my way to acquire such a bed - a custom made solid wood bed from my brother. Unfortunately, his ceiling was 9 foot tall. And mine a mere 7. The legs would need to be shortened. And I didn't want to destroy the lovely bed. So, with that idea gone, I set about creating a corner for my chair. In its new position it is less likely to have coats and books dumped on it.

At the same time as creating this space, I purchased The Glenstal Book of Daily Prayer and have been using it for the past ten days. It contains lauds and vespers for each week day over two weeks. It recommends certain gestures, saying "human beings are embodied people and the body too must play its part in our relationship with God". This harked back to one of my earliest posts about particular physical positions. I don't pray every morning and evening, but I don't chastise myself, simply move the bookmark along to the page that is relevant at this time. And I begin to find myself yearning for my ten minutes of prayer and the opening and closing of the day. I still cringe at the "Christ" references - Christ as man etc. But I am very taken with "God" and asking him to listen, to "open my lips", praising him. Admitting sins - I have a problem with the idea of sin. Humility - I strive for it. Some prayers are repetitive from day to day. Some repetitive in the session. I light a candle.

Of all ideas that come from prayer and God, the one I find most reassuring is the giving over of some control to "His will". I cannot be wholly responsible for every path my life takes, although I can try to do my upmost. This thought is very powerful and comforting to me.

Cynics

One of the lovely things of having afternoons free is the time to read and educate oneself. Currently Rathmines library is closed for renovations. I feel if it were open, I would get around the reading much more because I could retreat there for the afternoon. At any rate, I have managed to complete Cynics written by William Desmond. It was easy to read because it is so well-written. It is gently humorous, brimful of arguments and thoughts on all sides of the fence, and informative.

Cynicism - if I am to understand correctly and summarise here - is a (loose) philosophical movement. They lived in the moment. Surviving on basic requirements - food from bushes, a cloth covering, shelter in caves... They didn't have an organised religion, didn't believe in the politics of city/state/Athens or in marital and familial relations.

I think they took it a step too far. It's all very well to choose to be a recluse and an outcast in society but it's not everyone's cup of tea!

The greatest thing I took from reading the book is that other people in other civilisations and at other times also questioned society's routines and habits and made a life for themselves outside of that.

"How to be Idle"

I've blogged about the guilt I feel associated with working part-time. I've tried to justify it by making appointments with friends and relatives. By using my time for others, not just for myself.

This great book quotes from other authors, speech-makers, poets, philosophers.

Doing nothing never harmed anyone. I paraphrase but it's hard to argue. Unless, of course, doing nothing is letting bad stuff happen. But let's not get into too complex an argument.

It's my new "bible". It's not about being lazy. But about taking pleasure from things like stopping for a cup of tea. And there's nothing against doing fits of hard exerted work.

And I'm reading it idling, a chapter here, a chapter there. Lovely.

Easter Sunday

An Ecumenical service at 6:30am this morning on Sandymount Strand.
Prayers, singing.
Glorious sunrise. Beautiful day.

No steps ahead

Regrettably, I realise I have made no progress since I began writing here. Nothing. I have not come any closer to learning about God. I find myself presented with the same problem all over again - that I must love myself more. But that was the point at which I had this "lá nollag beag" :) - this epiphany.

It is selfish to love oneself. It is selfless to love God.

It could be said they are the same thing. It's a different focus, however. To concentrate on God and on His will, I might recognise the direction I should take. To concentrate on my own wants and needs, I might become self-centred, greedy, inward-looking; and battling against such thoughts would distract from the real goal of living the best life I can.

It's hard to put words on all of this.

There is no doubt that in order to be guided on God's path, there is a need for some sort of structure. For a map. For guidance. Spiritual guidance. And for that, I don't know where to turn. I have the Koran and the Bible to hand. And John O'Donohue's Benedictus which I like very much. The americanised Power Prayers were hard to take. And I recently got rid of Sister Stan's Stillness Through My Prayers and John Waters' Lapsed Agnostic (which I never finished). I appear to have little patience / perseverance / tolerance / stamina. There is also a book on Tibetan Sound Healing and The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali: How to Know God. Back to the Christian end of things: a copy of A New Catechism, A Tiny Book of Bible Promises and A Contemporary Reading of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. Perhaps it's too much. Whatever the explanation, I am finding it very hard to do this work alone. And, in fact, Saint Ignatius doesn't recommend it.

This is Easter week. Perhaps a visit to Belfield church will do me good. My brother was baptised there on Easter week. And my grand-uncle used to bring us to UCD - they are good memories associated with the university although there are numerous not-so-good memories. I like the church.

The choir I sing with recently performed Bach's B Minor Mass. Perhaps singing excerpts from that and other Godly music is a change I could make.

Maybe I need to simply set aside 20 minutes each morning to meditate on the word "God". Again - a little guidance would be helpful if I knew where to turn to.

There is no conclusion in this post. Just confusion. And a realisation of how little progress I have made. And a renewed realisation of the importance of learning to know God. Learning about Him. Loving Him