I will never forget you

My granny (mam's mam) gave me this picture - if that's the right name for it - I think she gave it to me at first communion time. She was a very Catholic woman, she went to mass every day. She had great faith and no doubt was shocked by her grand-daughter's inability to say the Angelus or the Rosary or even the Lord's Prayer (though I did know it in Irish and remember teaching it to myself in English as I lay in the spare bed next to her one night).
I always think of Mamó Má Nuad at Easter time especially. She always provided us with yellow paper napkins for the dinner table!
I miss her, and would love to have her around now to talk to her about my doubts and my efforts at all this finding God business. She very much tried to help me in this way and, perhaps as a last ditch attempt, would remind me that I always had a guardian angel with me - they would mind me and look out for me and I could ask them to help me. I think she told me to name my guardian angel because I remember trying out different names but don't recall if I decided on one.
My granny was an extremely intelligent woman but I wonder now if she explored other faiths. I don't think she blindly followed Catholicism, I am sure she questioned it and yet it must have provided her with the answers she required.
I don't really like displaying pictures and objects - the little thing shown here hangs in my room in my parents house, I haven't brought it with me. I don't have pictures of friends or family adorning my walls. I think this can be showmanship and that it's more important to hold these things in one's heart and not display them to others where they could be misunderstood. And so I think I've decided not to post a picture of Mamó here.

Different Views

I'm in my parents house for Easter, it's almost better than a library. As I'm on this mini quest I've been scouring the bookshelves for holy books. I avoided taking a look at the bible this time around.
Véarsaí Roghnaithe as an Quran Beannaithe (Chosen verses from the Holy Quran)
My first reading of the Quran or understanding of the way it is The Book and that it should be read by all. I like the lack of emphasis placed on Jesus, Mohammed and other prophets - the focus is on Allah. I think I'll be doing more reading of the Quran, in Irish or English - my Arabic wouldn't be up to it.
We had a dinner-table discussion about religions based on books, and whether some anthropologists are right in concluding that religions were founded as societys answer to "what to do with dead people".
Dánta Dé (Poems for God)
This is a beautiful book that a neighbour passed on to us. Published in 1928. The poems or prayers are set to music. They are laid out thematically eg. Morning and Evening, Easter, The Feast of St. Brigid and so on. I lool forward to taking out my violin and tackling the melodies. The Irish is written in the old script so it's a little tricky and even the wording is a little beyond me but it struck me that morning prayer could be more pleasant (for me) if it were sung.
The Holy Ghost Hymnal
My Aunt's name is on this little book, it seems to have been a schoolbook. The hymns are in Irish, English and Latin with the music provided.
Zen Seeing, Zen Drawing
The subtitle for this book is "Meditation in Action". I recently bought myself a new diary, the one I've been using for the past few years is finally full. I stood at the shelf in the stationery shop debating with myself why I used to choose diaries and notebooks with a spiral spine, it was beacuse I used to sketch and found it more comfortable to be able to fold over the pages, but I concluded that I haven't sketched in a long time and so there was no need for the spiral binding and I bought a more typical diary. And now, upon discovering this book and reading how drawing things really help to see them, and remembering how much I enjoyed sketching - I'm regretting my choice of new diary...! I haven't read much of this book yet but the core idea is undebatable.

Aoine an Chéasta

Good Friday - I went with my uncle and Godfather to Bolton Abbey for the 3pm services. I was expecting singing monks, though I'd been there before a few years ago and should have remembered there was no singing in Latin.
I couldn't get my head around the Christ thing. I'm very taken with the idea of God and am certainly trying to "find" Him and make room for a spiritual or religious or greater force in my life and lifestyle. But the adoration of a man was too much. It is claimed he is the son of God, an ordinary person living an ordinary life, sent on earth to redeem all humans. I couldn't take it in. I didn't like the idea even though I've been raised with it.
The sermon spoke of forgiveness which, my uncle had earlier claimed when we spoke in the car, is, in his mind, a central idea of Christianity.

What do I want?

It struck me last night in bed that it might have been helpful to have been praying and talking to God recently, it might have helped me with something I've been through. I've come out at the other end thinking: And now I just have to figure out what I want again - I hate that. I had been hoping that someone else would make a decision for me. Of course I wouldn't go along with it unless I was happy too but at least I wouldn't have to figure out what I wanted - it seems selfish to me to be doing that. BUT if you turn the idea on it's head and say it's God... that you are living your life according to His will then that gives you the avenue to be checking in with yourself and following the path which feels most comfortable to you, without the connotations of feeling selfish.

Godmother in waiting

Just before Christmas, I was privileged to be asked by my friend and her boyfriend to be Godmother to their baby. On Valentine's day, the little bundle of joy arrived in the world.

I finally saw her when she was 10 days old. I stayed staring at her lying in the cot, so peaceful. The next day I felt extremely calm and relaxed. It was a beautiful experience. She is so tiny.

There is no date set for the baptism yet but I am preparing myself! My first gift to the baby was her astrological chart but on the same day I bought a book of prayers for myself: Power Prayers to start the day. It's a little bit American-ised for my liking. But I have sat down on a good few mornings since I bought it and read a prayer and thought about it. I'm readying myself!

A life-changing event, if not for me in a huge way, certainly for her very proud parents.

Physical activity as relief for the soul

Hillwalking today. Hiked to the peaks of 5 hills in Dublin/Wicklow Mountains! (Never sure whether to call the bumps in Ireland hills or mountains). My friend said, as we trudged through heather on our way between two peaks, surrounded by marvellous views: "It's good for the soul". And it was: great for the soul!

There were some things on my mind which I had planned on bringing with me on the walk and thinking them through but I didn't, it was too much like work, instead I just walked, followed my feet, admired the surroundings, breathed the air and it was more than all I needed! Too much time can be spent on thoughts, paying attention to ideas, to the mind.

I was in a sauna last weekend and it was peaceful, I tried to meditate. And, similarly to today, decided it was unnecessary. Just being in the sauna, experiencing something physical, was a change in attitude or a change in scenario and sufficient, I think, the alter the mind state - without trying to.

I'm not sure about the title of this post, but I think it's explained by quoting my friend's phrase and by not looking at it too deeply!

Lots of bits & pieces: Life's purpose and other wonderings

Various things happened today.

• I got the chance to read a fair bit: Pages 72-78 of JW's Lapsed Agnostic worth re-reading - finally he is getting to the nub of the issue and not discussing The Peter Pan Factor.
  I visited the Quaker musem in Kilkenny/Kildare county and became curious about the nature of that religion and the necessity of a simple life or even the possibilty of going without [certain things].
  
• Also in the library attached to the museum i picked up a copy of the kildare county sustainable magazine. I had hoped the magazine might contain some info about alternatively-living sustainable communities (ie those not relying on salaries and jobs involving long commutes to cities and cheap rents in suburbs of rural towns); I read something about this in a sourcebook I bought in the amnesty international bookshop a few years ago and have found no information about since - communities in ireland that barter etc... but this mag was a waste of time.
• On the way home, I stopped by a friend's house (it's soooo important to meet people you get on with and understand you and you understand them. meet them regularly. v important.)
• Heath Ledger died last night. I've never been a one for idols or people I admire yet for some reason I respected him. A good actor and oh so good-looking. And now he has died, cause unknown. Owen Wilson's apparent break-down was confusing as well. The idea of celebrity is confusing.
• My uncle, with whom I was travelling through the country, blessed himself as he passed by a church (it happens less now with the bypasses) - that too was a notion to get my head around.
• Also had coffee in a coffee-shop in Kilkenny. Was very much looking forward to it. Coffee at 11 o'clock on a weekday is something I rarely do since I got a full-time job. But the coffee shop was crowded. Who are these people who can sit around and engage with each other, who don't need to be in an office earning shekels to pay for things? And outside sat a fully-robed monk, with sandals and a pocket containing the wallet he would use to pay for his scone and coffee - I mock unfairly - he was conversing with a friend and was joined by another female friend and greeted warmly by a female passerby, they were discussing a great poet when I eavesdropped. These, I feel, are the important things in life: having time for coffee breaks and conversing with friends about ideas that matter to you at the time.
  The least we can do as humans with our time on earth is try to gain an understanding of ourselves and to take responsiblity for ourselves within our picture of humanity.
• I listened to an interview with Marian Finucane a saturday or two ago (she was speaking to a psychotherapist, can't remember his name); the interviewee claimed it's important to read books, I suppose to keep the intellect alive and keep excited by the thoughts and ideas of others in the human race.
• We visited a CoI cathedral in Leighlinstown called St. Lazarian's, the name fascinated me, unfortunately we couldn't enter the church but we wandered around the graveyard.

[couldn't find pic for this post!]