No steps ahead

Regrettably, I realise I have made no progress since I began writing here. Nothing. I have not come any closer to learning about God. I find myself presented with the same problem all over again - that I must love myself more. But that was the point at which I had this "lá nollag beag" :) - this epiphany.

It is selfish to love oneself. It is selfless to love God.

It could be said they are the same thing. It's a different focus, however. To concentrate on God and on His will, I might recognise the direction I should take. To concentrate on my own wants and needs, I might become self-centred, greedy, inward-looking; and battling against such thoughts would distract from the real goal of living the best life I can.

It's hard to put words on all of this.

There is no doubt that in order to be guided on God's path, there is a need for some sort of structure. For a map. For guidance. Spiritual guidance. And for that, I don't know where to turn. I have the Koran and the Bible to hand. And John O'Donohue's Benedictus which I like very much. The americanised Power Prayers were hard to take. And I recently got rid of Sister Stan's Stillness Through My Prayers and John Waters' Lapsed Agnostic (which I never finished). I appear to have little patience / perseverance / tolerance / stamina. There is also a book on Tibetan Sound Healing and The Yoga Aphorisms of Patanjali: How to Know God. Back to the Christian end of things: a copy of A New Catechism, A Tiny Book of Bible Promises and A Contemporary Reading of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. Perhaps it's too much. Whatever the explanation, I am finding it very hard to do this work alone. And, in fact, Saint Ignatius doesn't recommend it.

This is Easter week. Perhaps a visit to Belfield church will do me good. My brother was baptised there on Easter week. And my grand-uncle used to bring us to UCD - they are good memories associated with the university although there are numerous not-so-good memories. I like the church.

The choir I sing with recently performed Bach's B Minor Mass. Perhaps singing excerpts from that and other Godly music is a change I could make.

Maybe I need to simply set aside 20 minutes each morning to meditate on the word "God". Again - a little guidance would be helpful if I knew where to turn to.

There is no conclusion in this post. Just confusion. And a realisation of how little progress I have made. And a renewed realisation of the importance of learning to know God. Learning about Him. Loving Him

how to live like a monk?

I have certainly strayed. Not from any faith or done anything wrong. But strayed from the path, the route, the task I set myself when this blog began.

It was lovely to read back over it. And to remember the idea that had started it - that no-one is wholly responsible for or able to control themselves, there is another hand at play; that of "God".

I am working on a part-time basis again and have been for a month now. Finding it very hard to go easy on myself and not beat myself up when I don't achieve something with my afternoon. Reading back over the importance of meeting people or simply being in better form and less tired if I meet them later on served as a good reminder of why I made the decision. The money is much less and I had hoped to have another means of income up and running by september - which I may yet or may not, I must be gentle with myself. I am managing, more than managing, to survive on my current income.

And with all this beating myself up, I've left very little time for spiritual thoughts, looking for God, seeking peace. I've thought of doing it, I've realised I'd like time out.

In fact, I contemplated living as a Monk. Not a nun. I don't know why I make the differentiation because of course, being a woman, the life of a nun makes more sense.

To spend the day eating, sleeping, and in contemplation. That sounds like my kind of cup of tea.

If my contemplations were a little less self-focussed, it'd be a start.

Amnesty / Gaza

(Turn off the sound before pressing play) Last friday at the main entrance to St Stephen's Green, there was an Amnesty gathering for Gaza. Remembering the dead, I think was the main idea behind it. It was a most peaceful get-together. The atmosphere was serene. Solidarity could be felt. There's a word in Irish for it "co-bhá". The cynical could ask what the point was. There was a Palestinian woman with us and I think she drew great strength from the ocassion. We can't let events like this in our world go unnoticed. Nothing changed by our coming together and placing of lit candles in a spiral but the group of people who were there together took time out to think of other people elsewhere in the world who are enduring a very different life at present. The event was in contrast to the neon whizzy lights being sold outside the Gaiety theatre 200m down the road!

Buying books

I took wednesday morning last off work. And strolled into town. And stopped by the Carmelite book-shop. And came away with a bundle of books. Including the Catechism, The Way (bible), a book of prayers published by RTÉ and some novels. I'd like to think my book-shelf could be a source of religious texts and intend to get a copy of the Quran.
But I suppose I should read them too! Or dip into them frequently.

Nuala Ó Faoláin RIP

This follows on from a previous post...

the report says she "died peacefully".

Ar dheis Dé go raibh a h-anam

I've been reminded... & BloggerPlay

... of the important things in life. The things that matter. I haven't posted in so long because I've been busy. Working too hard. Spending my hours sitting in an office. During the summer, it was quiet and I was watching my clock slowly add up to 7 hours a day. And suddenly it became very busy and what with all the other wee projects and ideas I had taking up space in my head - I was overcome and found myself having to retire to bed for five days and call in to work sick. I'm still not energised enough to contemplate a day's work.

But to my sick bed came friends and family. Making lunch for me and letting me boss them around. And we had time to sit together. And to talk. And share jokes and ideas and thoughts. And it's so important.

I used to work part-time but got a notion in my head that I might like to buy a property... or rent in a better part of the city... and so I took on a full time job (in a role that isn't my ideal job). All for money, more or less. When I worked part-time, my afternoons were my own. I was more flexible to make arrangements to meet friends with hectic schedules. I was relaxed and experienced a counter side to life. I really enjoyed that time. I'm sorry it's not the way I'm living currently. I'm going to look into changing back to that lifestyle.

But apart from that realisation, another episode occured just now. I logged on to BloggerPlay. It's a slideshow of the pictures as people are posting on to blogger. Some pics are of groups of people. Some are of landscapes, great scenery. There are sunsets, mountains. People post pics of things they are interested in; that help describe their post I suppose - an idea they have about a painting they saw, perhaps. There was a picture of a house under construction. It is these type of events that life is about.

I know there is the other side of life. The drudgery. The tedium. The plodding along the path which you hope will arrive at your ambitious place. Not all jobs can be challenging, fun; at least not all the time. But I think I need to strive higher than putting up with where I am.

Through this illness and watching other people's pics float by on my screen, I have been reminded that it is of utmost important to pause and question what we're doing with our lives now and again - that at least, even if nothing changes.

Bobby McFerrin

National Concert Hall in Dublin last night - Bobby McFerrin. Recommended to me by a fellow chorister who said he got the entire auditorium singing Gounod's Ave Maria the last time he was in Dublin.

Robbie, a bodhrán player, and Liam Ó Maonlaí performed with him on stage as well as a dancer from the audience and a mini random choir of people. Liam was well able for him - like an Irish version of Bobby! with his diddle-ee-i-dee-dum-do-dorum.

When he came back for an encore, Bobby suggested we could ask him questions. It was fun but the one that hit home for me, and it was asked jokingly and answered earnestly - "What is the meaning of life". The answer Mr McFerrin gave: "To find God. Well, that's the goal, the meaning... life is the journey, it's about getting there. It's a step away, a small step". I'm paraphrasing, obviously I didn't record him. But that's what I got out of what he said.

It was beautiful at the concert. I was very tearful and tired and pressurised just before it, I might have cancelled but during and afterwards I felt fantastic, relaxed, at peace with the good things and the good people and the fun of life. And music, singing, which I love.

He seemed a very gentle, humble, generous man.

The lights were dimmed in the concert hall, it was very atmospheric. Maybe we should do that for the Messiah performances this Christmas...